Surviving
the Pre-Apocalypse
by Barry D'Leif (contributing writer)
With so much focus on the end of the world, it became apparent to me that no
one seems concerned on how to handle the pre-apocalypse. Surely it would behoove
us to take into account the terrible deficit we head into the apocalypse with,
so I put together some simple tips to help you prepare for impending doom:
1. MIND THOSE SCAVENGERS
As everyone knows, it's dog eat dog out there, and there's no breed more dangerous
than the wandering type. Totally untrained to social mores, these "transients"
are gnawing at the bit to steal your home and raid your stockpile of weapons,
food, and radiation shields in order to maintain their own pathetic existence.
It is necessary to terminate all scavengers with extreme prejudice. Beware,
good citizen, because this scum comes in many forms. Truly, the scavenger is
a clever beast, and can assume many forms. For example:
*A door to door salesman
*Neighbor
*Visiting Relative
*Police/Firefighter
even an old friend can be a scavenger in disguise. You musn't let loyalty cloud
your vision. If ANYONE comes to your fortified compound, shoot them immediately.
If they seek sanctuary (for example, a nun with her leg in a bear trap) then
simply ignore their cries and let them die on your porch. But don't be fooled,
my friends. Not every corpse on your front lawn is in fact dead. Many could
be pretending, or awaiting resurrection from radioactive gases approaching in
the apocalypse. Your best bet is to pour gasoline out the window and set the
lawn ablaze. After all, charred corpses are easier to escape.
2. ASSUME YOU'RE THE ONLY PERSON NOT CONTAMINATED
Just because the apocalypse hasn't happened to you doesn't mean it hasn't happened
to everyone else. Sure, the odds against your infection are astronomical, but
any schmuck can get lucky. You are that schmuck, so avoid everything. All food
could be dangerous, all weapons boobytrapped, and your car could explode for
no reason. Therefore your best bet is to never leave your fortified compound
and hope that you stocked up before reading this article. If you feel so inclined
to leave, make sure to drive like a maniac, so as to take out as many possible
scavengers as possible. Switch cars to avoid being blown to smithereens, and
most importantly, WEAR YOUR RADIATION SUIT! If you don't have one, well...
3. THE WORLD IS YOUR PLAYGROUND
After all, since the pre-apocalyptic era is finite, make the most of it. Take
anything you want from shopping malls and stores, and if someone tries to stop
you, assume it's a scavenger or reanimated corpse and put them out of their
misery. Your life is like a nuclear game of Grand Theft Irradiated Auto, so
take advantage of it. Remember, it's all going to be gone when the apocalypse
hits, and you'll be reduced to barren roadways and mutated vampire zombie neighbors
with no interesting gadgets to pass the time between defending your compound.
Stock up, for crying out loud. Don't reduce all your entertainment to the Thunderdome
you're erecting in the back yard! One on one combat may be fun, and zombie genocide
time consuming, but you're going to miss all the John Wayne dvds and Yanni Boxed
sets if you leave them on the shelf of some doomed shop. It's going to waste
if you don't take it, so capitalize on your opportunity!
finally...
4. NEVER MAKE YOUR COMPOUND A SHOPPING MALL
I can't stress this enough. Shopping malls are beacons for vampires, zombies,
transients, and scavengers. No matter how well fortified, those useless fuckers
will find a way in, and since you can't trust anyone, guarding a mall all by
yourself is a doomed proposition. Just loot the place and get back to your underground
bunker. One entrance is ideal, but no entrances is genius! Malls are also dangerous
because of the threat of sentient robot killers, who are known to inhabit centers
of commerce and loath all humans. Let them have their tar tar sauce and food
galleries! After all, chances are the mall will be destroyed, as discussed above.
Keep it simple, keep it safe.
By following these simple suggestions, you'll weather the pre-apocalypse and
be set for the onslaught of mutant killers waiting in the wings to pick your
bones apart. Kill with extreme prejudice, and above all TRUST NO ONE. You can't
prevent the apocalypse from happening, but you can benefit by ignoring everyone
else. I plan to.